|Always borrow money from a pessimist; he doesn't expect to be paid back.
|Always remember that you are unique. Just like everyone else.
|Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.
-- Charlie McCarthy
|America's best buy for a quarter is a telephone call to the right person.
|An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.
|An elderly couple were flying to their Caribbean hideaway on a chartered plane
when a terrible storm forced them to land on an uninhabited island. When
several days passed without rescue, the couple and their pilot sank into a
despondent silence. Finally, the woman asked her husband if he had made his
usual pledge to the United Way Campaign.
"We're running out of food and water and you ask *that*?" her husband
barked. "If you really need to know, I not only pledged a half million but
I've already paid them half of it."
"You owe the U.W.C. a *quarter million*?" the woman exclaimed
euphorically. "Don't worry, Harry, they'll find us! They'll find us!"
|An evil mind is a great comfort.
|An excellence-oriented '80s male does not wear a regular watch. He wears
a Rolex watch, because it weighs nearly six pounds and is advertised
only in excellence-oriented publications such as Fortune and Rich
Protestant Golfer Magazine. The advertisements are written in
incomplete sentences, which is how advertising copywriters denote excellence:
"The Rolex Hyperion. An elegant new standard in quality excellence and
discriminating handcraftsmanship. For the individual who is truly able
to discriminate with regard to excellent quality standards of crafting
things by hand. Fabricated of 100 percent 24-karat gold. No watch parts
or anything. Just a great big chunk on your wrist. Truly a timeless
statement. For the individual who is very secure. Who doesn't need to
be reminded all the time that he is very successful. Much more successful
than the people who laughed at him in high school. Because of his acne.
People who are probably nowhere near as successful as he is now. Maybe
he'll go to his 20th reunion, and they'll see his Rolex Hyperion.
-- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
|An expert is a person who avoids the small errors as he sweeps on to the
-- Benjamin Stolberg
|An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he knows
absolutely everything about nothing.