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#5877Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
-- Woody Allen
#5878Eternity is a terrible thought. I mean, where's it going to end?
-- Tom Stoppard
#5879Ever since prehistoric times, wise men have tried to understand what,
exactly, make people laugh. That's why they were called "wise men." All the
other prehistoric people were out puncturing each other with spears, and the
wise men were back in the cave saying: "How about: Would you please take my
wife? No. How about: Here is my wife, please take her right now. No How
about: Would you like to take something? My wife is available. No. How
about ..."
-- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny"
#5880Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the
Western Spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun.
Orbiting this at a distance of roughly ninety-eight million miles is an
utterly insignificant little blue-green planet whose ape-descended life
forms are so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches
are a pretty neat idea ...
-- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
#5881Faster, faster, you fool, you fool!
-- Bill Cosby
#5882First, a few words about tools.

Basically, a tool is an object that enables you to take advantage of the
laws of physics and mechanics in such a way that you can seriously injure
yourself. Today, people tend to take tools for granted. If you're ever
walking down the street and you notice some people who look particularly
smug, the odds are that they are taking tools for granted. If I were you,
I'd walk right up and smack them in the face.
-- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
#5883For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in
the same room and let them fight it out.
-- Steven Wright
#5884From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was convulsed
with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
-- Groucho Marx, from "The Book of Insults"
#5885God is a comic playing to an audience that's afraid to laugh.
#5886He asked me if I knew what time it was -- I said yes, but not right now.
-- Steven Wright
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