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#1081 If you're like most homeowners, you're afraid that many repairs
around your home are too difficult to tackle. So, when your furnace
explodes, you call in a so-called professional to fix it. The
"professional" arrives in a truck with lettering on the sides and deposits a
large quantity of tools and two assistants who spend the better part of the
week in your basement whacking objects at random with heavy wrenches, after
which the "professional" returns and gives you a bill for slightly more
money than it would cost you to run a successful campaign for the U.S.
And that's why you've decided to start doing things yourself. You
figure, "If those guys can fix my furnace, then so can I. How difficult can
it be?"
Very difficult. In fact, most home projects are impossible, which
is why you should do them yourself. There is no point in paying other
people to screw things up when you can easily screw them up yourself for far
less money. This article can help you.
-- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
#1082Important letters which contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
Corresponding errors will show up in the duplicate while the Boss is reading
it. Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving
from where you left them to where you can't find them.
#1083In 1914, the first crossword puzzle was printed in a newspaper. The
creator received $4000 down ... and $3000 across.
#1084In a consumer society there are inevitably two kinds of slaves:
the prisoners of addiction and the prisoners of envy.
#1085In a hierarchy every employee tends to rise to his level of incompetence ...
in time every post tends to be occupied by an employee who is incompetent
to carry out its duties ... Work is accomplished by those employees who
have not yet reached their level of incompetence.
-- Dr. Laurence J. Peter, "The Peter Principle"
#1086In case of atomic attack, all work rules will be temporarily suspended.
#1087In case of injury notify your superior immediately. He'll kiss it and
make it better.
#1088In every hierarchy the cream rises until it sours.
-- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
#1089In order to get a loan you must first prove you don't need it.
#1090In the middle of a wide field is a pot of gold. 100 feet to the north stands
a smart manager. 100 feet to the south stands a dumb manager. 100 feet to
the east is the Easter Bunny, and 100 feet to the west is Santa Claus.

Q: Who gets to the pot of gold first?
A: The dumb manager. All the rest are myths.
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