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#6918A man may be so much of everything that he is nothing of anything.
-- Samuel Johnson
#6919A man may sometimes be forgiven the kiss to which he is not entitled,
but never the kiss he has not the initiative to claim.
#6920A man sank into the psychiatrist's couch and said, "I have a
terrible problem, Doctor. I have a son at Harvard and another son at
Princeton; I've just gifted each of them with a new Ferrari; I've got
homes in Beverly Hills, Palm Beach, and a co-op in New York; and I've
got a thriving ranch in Venezuela. My wife is a gorgeous young actress
who considers my two mistresses to be her best friends."
The psychiatrist looked at the patient, confused. "Did I miss
something? It sounds to me like you have no problems at all."
"But, Doctor, I only make $175 a week."
#6921A man took his wife deer hunting for the first time. After he'd given her
some basic instructions, they agreed to separate and rendezvous later. Before
he left, he warned her if she should fell a deer to be wary of hunters who
might beat her to the carcass and claim the kill. If that happened, he told
her, she should fire her gun three times into the air and he would come to
her aid.
Shortly after they separated, he heard a single shot, followed quickly
by the agreed upon signal. Running to the scene, he found his wife standing
in a small clearing with a very nervous man staring down her gun barrel.
"He claims this is his," she said, obviously very upset.
"She can keep it, she can keep it!" the wide-eyed man replied. "I
just want to get my saddle back!"
#6922A man usually falls in love with a woman who asks the kinds of questions
he is able to answer.
-- Ronald Colman
#6923A man was griping to his friend about how he hated to go home after a
late card games.
"You wouldn't believe what I go through to avoid waking my wife,"
he said. "First, I kill the engine a block away from the house and coast
into the garage. Then I open the door slowly, take off my shoes, and
tiptoe to our room. But just as I'm about to slide into bed, she always
wakes up and gives me hell."
"I make a big racket when I go home," his friend replied.
"You do?"
"Sure. I honk the horn, slam the door, turn on all the lights,
stomp up to the bedroom and give my wife a big kiss. `Hi, Alice,' I say.
`How about a little smooch for your old man?'"
"And what does she say?" his friend asked in disbelief.
"She doesn't say anything," his buddy replied. "She always pretends
she's asleep."
#6924A man was kneeling by a grave in a cemetery, crying and praying very loudly,
"Oh why..eeeee did you die...eeeeee, Oh Why..eeeeee,
why did you Di......eeee"
The caretaker walks up, pardons himself and asks politely,
"Excuse me, sir, but I've been seeing you for hours now,
carrying on at this grave. You must have been very close to the deceased."
"No, I never met him. Oh why....eeeee did you dieeeeee,
why....eeeee did you.."
"Sir, you say you never met this person, yet you carry on so?
Tell, me who is buried here?"
"My wife's first husband."
#6925A man was talking to his best friend about his married life. "You know," he
says, "I really trust my wife, and I think she has always been faithful to
me, but there's *always* that doubt. There's *always* that little doubt."
"Yeah, I know what you mean," his friend replies.
"Well, buddy, I've got to leave on a business trip this weekend,
and I wonder... well... would you watch my house while I'm gone? I trust
her, it's just that there's *always* that doubt."
The friend agreed to help out and two weeks later gave his report.
"I've got some bad news for you," says the friend. "The evening
after you left I saw a strange car pull up in front of your house. A man
got out of the car and went in the house and had dinner with your wife.
After dinner they went upstairs and I saw your wife kissing him. Then, he
took off his shirt and she took off her blouse. And then the light went
"*Then* what happened?" said the husband, his eyes opening wide.
"Well, I don't know," replied the friend, "it was too dark to see."
"Damn!" roared the husband. "You see what I mean? There's *always*
that doubt!"
#6926A man without a woman is like a statue without pigeons.
#6927A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package.
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