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#7048Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere.
#7049Harold had never wanted a woman so much in his life, upon overhearing the
22-year-old beauty remark that he was too old and out of shape for her. The
determined septuagenarian immediately embarked upon a rigorous self-improvement
program. He had his face lifted, bought a toupee, ran five miles every day,
lifted weights and adopted a strict vegetarian diet. Within months, the
rejuvenated man won the young woman's heart, and she agreed to marry him.
On the way out of the chapel, however, Harold was fatally struck
by lightning. Furious, he confronted Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "How
could you do this to me after all the pain I went through?"
"To be honest, Harold," Saint Peter sheepishly replied, "I didn't
recognize you."
#7050Hat check girl:
"Goodness! What lovely diamonds!"
Mae West:
"Goodness had nothin' to do with it, dearie."
-- "Night After Night", 1932
#7051Having a baby isn't so bad. If you're a female Emperor penguin in the
Antarctic. She lays the egg, rolls it over to the father, then takes off
for warmer weather where she eats and eats and eats. For two months, the
father stands stiff, without food, blind in the 24-hour dark, balancing
the egg on his feet. After the little penguin is hatched, the mother
sees fit to come home.
-- L.M. Boyd, "Austin American-Statesman"
#7052He gave her a look that you could have poured on a waffle.
#7053He who enters his wife's dressing room is a philosopher or a fool.
-- Balzac
#7054He who is intoxicated with wine will be sober again in the course of the
night, but he who is intoxicated by the cupbearer will not recover his
senses until the day of judgement.
-- Saadi
#7055Hey, Jim, it's me, Susie Lillis from the laundromat. You said you were
gonna call and it's been two weeks. What's wrong, you lose my number?
#7056High heels are a device invented by a woman who was tired of being kissed
on the forehead.
#7057Him: "Your skin is so soft. Are you a model?"
Her: "No," [blush] "I'm a cosmetologist."
Him: "Really? That's incredible... It must be very tough to handle
-- "The Jerk"
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